Ahh… it’s summertime, and as you read this, you’re no doubt reclining in front of the pool or on the beach, iPad in hand, sipping a tall cool beverage, and seeing what ol’ Greg has to say for himself this time. Actually, it’s equally likely you’re in a nice air-conditioned room, with nothing but dangerous wildlife and several days’ worth of torrential rain outdoors. But fear not: there’s a movie I can recommend that’ll put you in that summer spirit regardless of your location or precipitation. That would be Return to Savage Beach (1998), the last of director Andy Sidaris’ 3B’s (bullets, bombs, babes) series of action films that starred beautiful women who could double as flotation devices. This one (and its immediate predecessor, Day of the Warrior) starred famed Penthouse Pets Julie Strain and Julie K. Smith, Playboy Playmate Shae Marks (whose top-heaviness stands out even in a film loaded with it), along with WCW’s own Buff Bagwell. Sadly, Buff’s mother Judy is nowhere to be seen, perhaps due to the rigorous training she no doubt went through at the WCW Power Plant around this time. Anyways, when Buff’s the best actor in your flick, you know you’ve got a winner, but it’s all very tongue in cheek. This movie knows the range of its genre and doesn’t try to do anything it shouldn’t be doing. I won’t spoil the plot for you, mainly because it’s utterly unimportant, but you know exactly what you’re getting into when you watch this one. It more than delivers the goodies with hilarious dialogue and heaping helpings of eye candy; painfully huge, even, in some instances. This film should also serve as proof positive of both WWE’s current Wellness Policy and WCW’s lack of one. Despite his nickname, I never thought of Buff as one of the more massive guys in pro wrestling (possibly because he spent a fair amount of time next to Scott Steiner), but here he looks to dwarf 80% of the current WWE roster! Maybe it just wasn’t as apparent then because of his relative lack of height to the giants in wrestling. Indeed, the amazonian Julie Strain towers over him in their scenes together, but there’s no shame in that as she’s got quite the long set of gams on her. One last word to the wise: I spotted this movie in a $5 Andy Sidaris compilation pack at Kmart the other day, so you’ve got no excuse not to own this beauty. Only two copies were left at mine, so get to it!
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